I want so much that is not here and do not know where to go.I want so much that is not here and do not know where to go.I want so much that is not here and do not know where to go.I want so much that is not here and do not know where to go.
You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.
last summer a man i hardly knew told me i had a contortionist’s body he was right. i fold and bend around the people i love
i’ll break my ribs trying to get you to watch the sun rise with me and i’ll pull my own teeth to get you to fall asleep laughing fold and bend around you
and if i can’t make you love me i’ll wrap myself around someone else and it’s fucked up and every night i walk to my deck to smoke and every night i see someone who isn’t really there, smoking with me sometimes it’s him from spring break singing songs and smoking bowls with me and sometimes its him telling me he fucked lindi and sometimes its him undressing me to go skinny dipping and sometimes its this guy i’ve never met
and sometimes i’m okay sitting with all these ghosts but most days i’m not
last night, i found comfort in the creases of your back and in the lack of space between your hips and mine, i’ve never been so happy to fuck someone.
this morning you were gone and i think i’ll see your ghost tonight when i smoke
September 9, 2001. Gary and I were skating at a hospital on top of a huge hill overlooking a valley. An ambulance came and took out a dead woman. Gary asked me why she wasn’t moving or blinking. They hadn’t closed her eyes yet. She must have died on the way. A car full of family and friends came in with the ambulance. They were all crying and hugging each other. One woman screamed hysterically and grabbed at the woman’s body asking her to wake up. I had to tell Gary that her soul went to Heaven. I didn’t believe a word of it, but I knew it’d be easier for him to understand. Two days from now, at 9 AM, the planes will hit the World Trade Center killing over 3,000 people. I will tell Gary that there is no God, and all of this is meaningless. But today, there is a God. And he has a plan for him. He doesn’t know it, but a year from now, our family will be torn apart and I will move far away and won’t see or talk to him for five years. And as we sit on the hood of our car, the sun goes down and he asks me what I want out of my life. I tell him I don’t know. On and on we run away from the things we are afraid… I don’t tell him about the dream I had the night before where I’m riding in a car full of strangers and singing to some song I’ve never heard and smoking a cigarette and we swerve off the road and hit a tree. I go through the windshield and hit the edge of a fence, dislocating my jaw and flipping me into a wall where my neck is broken, and my skull is fractured. I bleed to death in excruciating pain. I will have this dream periodically until I meet all of the strangers, one by one introducing them all to one another until we are a close group of friends. I will set these events in motion, and I will die. But today in the warm light of the sunset, I don’t see it. I just see the sunset. I smile back and shake my head. I have absolutely no idea. I am afraid.
SLAM YOUR FACE ON THE KEYBOARD:About 3 things i was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him, and i didnt know how dominant that part might be, that thirsted for my blood. And third, i was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him
I talk to myself in the mirror every day to see what I look like when I talk and I say the same sentence every time. “No I have no idea what you’re talking about” I just realized that’s fucked up. Lol smoked myself stupid good night